Death Moan



There’s nothing new, interesting or particularly clever about deciding to take your own life. Especially, when it’s muggins here who actually does the job of transporting it to the Ever Rafter – That’s the boat that we use.


Time was the ‘ER’ was a simple wooden raft; a functional item to carry dear departed souls to their perpetual and permanent torment, but the introduction of afterlife unions and the newly formed council of the Pre Tormented Soul Dispatch (or PTSD) have made it policy that even the most annoying of passengers must lament in extreme luxury before they are granted their very own personal Hell.


My suggestion of free cyanide shots was rejected in place of tea refills, Jammy Dodgers and fluffy cushions. I can’t think of anything more repulsive but that’s life… well, death.


Did you know that over one hundred and fifty thousand people die around the world every day? That’s one point seven people a second (a functioning point seven of a person is more common than you’d think). The knock on effect is that I have to traverse the globe, collecting and delivering souls in less time than it takes for you to read this sentence. In a sense I’m just like Santa Claus.


… Actually, scratch that. I’m nothing like Santa Claus. The super speed and beard is there, but I’m not a kleptomaniac, harbouring a senseless obsession with other people’s mince pies! And don’t even get me started on his waist line (something you never hear from the mince pies). Would it be so terrible for children the world over to leave him a salad once in a while?


I’ve been in this job for a little over four billion years, without so much as a coffee break. It wasn’t even my first career choice. I studied catering in college – opened up my own restaurant. Turns out ‘Inject a little Death into your Dining Experience’ wasn’t such a hot tag line. We closed within a week of opening.


That’s when I saw the advert for this place:


Delivery driver wanted for new planet.

Opportunity to make the job your own.

Apply within.


Well I certainly made the job my own. They named the service after me – I mean, who hasn’t heard of Death?


Being a horror and Sci-Fi author, I am (as you might imagine) an avid reader, and when I’m on the move or doing mindless tasks like cleaning my house, doing admin or going for a drive, there’s nothing I love more than to pop an audio book on.

Fast forward to this morning, I had just finished another Audible original: ‘Alien, River of Pain’ and I thought – I really want to write about this audio story, to share my thoughts and inflict them upon the world!

If this goes well, and you enjoy reading the reviews as much I like writing them then I may turn this into a review series for other audiobooks that I’ve listened to.

I’ll make these reviews spoiler free also. Nothing worse than ‘some review’ giving away all the integral twists and turns of a story before you’d had a chance to hear it for yourself.

So, here goes, sound the klaxon and prepare the drumroll for…

Alien – River of Pain Audiobook.

This story picks up where the first Ridley Scott film ‘Alien’ stops, and ends where in the second movie Ellen Ripley meets Rebecca Jordan, otherwise known as Newt … mostly.

LV-426, the planet upon which the crew of the Nostromo first fell prey to the deadly xenomorphs — has been renamed Acheron, you know, the one Ripley is forced to back to in ‘Aliens.’

With the protection of the colonial marines, colonists have been trying to terraform the Acheron against overwhelming odds and fierce atmospheric living conditions.

Two of the colonists seeking their fortune are also parents to be, and the birth of their second child: Rebecca Jordan ‘Newt’ is cause for a brief celebration as the first off world (Earth) birth.


As we have come to expect in the Alien films there are some scientists with a sinister agenda, that being to capture a living alien at any cost and bring it back to Earth. What could possibly go wrong?

It’s a horror theme that goes right back to Shelley’s Frankenstein and one the Alien franchise could not survive without: The quest for knowledge is a dangerous one and often corrupts.

As an audience that has probably seen the Alien movie Franchise in its entirety, we know in general terms what is going to happen. Then again, knowing the general outcome of a story shouldn’t distract from enjoying the journey.

Alien, River of Pain fills in a few of the blanks left by the movies and presents us with believable characters that we can afford to become invested in and some old favourites – Carter Burke – that we can still love to hate.

I had to double check the cast list at one point, as Laurel Lefkow’s interpretation of Ellen Ripley was so close to Sigourney Weaver’s performance, that the transition from movie to audiobook was almost seamless.

Looking into the cast list of this audio dramatization I was, I must confess, a little star struck:

Alien River of Pain is directed by Dirk Maggs (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) and stars Anna Friel (Limitless), Alexander Siddig (Star Trek Deep Space 9), Michelle Ryan (Bionic Woman, Doctor Who), Colin Salmon (Alien vs Predator) and guest star William Hope, returning as Lt. Gorman from James Cameron’s Aliens.

Review Score for Audiobook Alien River of Pain…

At the end of every review I’ll give a score out of 5 for the narration and the story, then an overall score out of 10

Alien -River of Pain Scores:

Story:         4
Narration: 5
Overall:      9 – This is an absolute MUST for any Alien fan out there.

If you’d like to download it the amazon link is below:


AND…. If you are a fan of Dark Science Fiction ‘The Black Water Journals’ series is also available as a FREE download.

Simply click on the image below:

Dark Sci-Fi fantasy Audio Series the Black Water Journals. FREE download here